August 2008 Newsletter
August 1, 2008
Transitions
Nervous, Insecure,
Desperately trying to be like everyone else,
Not wanting to stick out,
Praying for the approval of my peers,
I began the next chapter of my life.
Thrown out into the dark,
Into a thickly settled forest,
With no choice,
I cleared the way,
Through these years,
Now I’ve found the light.
This journey wasn’t easy,
Many times, I was lost,
Drowned by temptations and falsifications,
Veered off the path by mistakes and misfortunes,
Broken and bruised at times, but I survived.
I didn’t take this walk alone,
There were many along the way,
Some walked beside me, Some followed,
Some guided while others passed me by.
I take a piece of them all,
What I have learned,
And I am me.
Memories fill my path,
Some good, Some bad,
Cries of pain filled my dark,
Smiles and laughs emblazoned my light,
I loved some, lost some,
It all completes my story.
I walked into the forest frightened,
I walked out frightened but no longer afraid to admit it,
On the journey, In that dark,
I found myself, I found light,
I became a person I am proud to be,
I am ready now, Ready to turn the page,
Ready to begin a new chapter, Another journey.
~ Ashley E. Bailey
Navigating Transitions to Discover Self-Confidence, Identity, and Generosity Part I
by Stephen H. Hill, Ph.D.
For so many families I meet with late summer and early fall are filled with transitions. Some families have older children heading off to college, while others have parents or younger children returning to school or a heavier work schedule.
Erik Erikson devised one framework for understanding and valuing these critical transition times, and the life tasks associated with them. Most school age children will continue mastering new skills and knowledge in academics, sports, the arts, etc.—leading to a sense of accomplishment and productive “industry.” Parents can be supportive in this phase (roughly age 6-12) by giving encouragement, and helping children set positive goals without delving into perfectionism. Children of this age will especially value parents’ wisdom in developing self-confidence in their ability to weather setbacks or defeats and to self-improve in future efforts when “failures” occur. In the absence of such coaching, or when special needs fail to be addressed adequately in school, some children may instead develop a sense of inferiority.
Likewise, if a particular child’s makeup leads him or her not to succeed in one area (e.g. traditional academic subjects, sports, etc.), it can be particularly important to find and develop an alternative strength. Some families nurture this by getting a child involved in the visual arts, acting or creative writing—finding outlets in elective classes, after-school groups, and topical summer camps. Others have found a niche in computer programming or competitive robot design, and still others develop a talent in music. The moral here: having at least one gift to develop and be proud of, and sharing this with others, goes a long way towards avoiding the development of inferiority or low self-esteem from an area of challenge.
In the teen years into early adulthood, Erikson highlights the importance of young people developing a sense of identity and social belonging. Children in middle school through early college will be looking for deeper friendships outside the family and will adopt a system of values—some of which may inevitably differ from their parents’. Developing devotion to a particular friend, a group/team, or a social cause are all natural explorations during this lengthy stage. As a therapist I always support parents setting house rules for anyone still living at home, but even acknowledging the teens’ right to choose differently later in life can affirm an appropriate sense of identity and separateness.
Perhaps more important, parents who can at once give consequences and re-affirm the family rules, while refraining from any shaming of the teen will help avoid a sense of identity confusion. This approach may also reduce future rebellion to boot, as it at least gives the teenager permission for independence in thought and beliefs, if not in all choices. In short, by enforcing family rules while still acknowledging the teen’s right to an independent identity and some differing values, parents again support a healthy (and unavoidable) developmental path.
Next month, we’ll look at how growth continues through transitions in adulthood: leading to intimacy, productivity and generosity.
Self-Renewal Involves Letting Go of the Old and Embracing the New
Throughout the course of our lives we experience many endings and many beginnings. In nature we observe times when things move slowly without visible change – and then suddenly an acceleration occurs followed by a transformation. Daffodil shoots emerge from the cold ground, and then before we know it bloom in a dazzling array of perfumed beauty. Tree leaves which have been green all summer suddenly turn gold and within a short time are blown to the ground, the tree’s branches left bare. Transitions are as natural as night and day. And so it is with our lives.
Life transitions are predictable changes in our lives associated with a discontinuity with the past. With each change we must give up the protective structures which have carried us through and then face the world anew with a sense of fragility and vulnerability. These times of disruption may force us to test the limits of our ability to adapt. However, with each transition we have the opportunity to learn a great deal about our inner coping resources and to ask ourselves what we really want out of life. This period of self-reflection can then lead to self-renewal and a new phase of stability and eventual equilibrium.
At times transitions are thrust upon us dramatically and unexpectedly. Disabling accidents, the deaths of those in our lives, divorce, the loss of a job, an illness – all of these events mean that we must leave something behind and then adjust to a new way of living, even if we feel totally unprepared to do so. These events can strike without warning and leave us in a personal crisis characterized by denial, anger, mourning and withdrawal. But not all transitions emerge from negative experiences. Marriage, a new job, a move to a new city, the birth of a child, re-acquaintance with an old friend – these events, which may be planned and expected, can also lead us into the process of a life transition.
Sometimes life transitions occur because we find ourselves in a rut. We may have the nagging feeling that something is wrong, although we can’t quite put our finger on the reasons. Our lives are not going the way we thought they would and time is passing us by. We feel that it is time for a change. This can happen at any time, but it is most common during what Gail Sheehy has called the “predictable crises of adult life” which often accompany our decade changes (that is, our twenties, our thirties, our mid-life years, etc.)
As William Bridges pointed out in his book, Transitions, our life transitions are composed of an ending, a “neutral zone,” and a new beginning. When a transition occurs, we need to give up our old definitions of the world, our old ways of doing things, and we are challenged by the process of “letting go.” Endings are difficult for most people, even when we are unhappy with the way things used to be. The known is more comfortable than the unknown. Once we let go, however, we enter a period of feeling disconnected from the past but not yet connected to the present – the neutral zone. This is a time which can engender great self-reflection, an assessment of what we really want out of life, and a time to reorient ourselves toward the future. Finally, the new beginning completes the successful transition. This is when we embark on a journey of new priorities and a sense of a renewed future.
For Further Reading on Transitions
Bridges, William. Transitions. 1980
Erikson, Erik. Identity: Youth and Crisis. 1968
Levinson, Daniel, et. al. The Seasons of a Man’s Life. 1986
Sheehy, Gail and Joelle Delbourgo (Eds.) New Passages: Mapping Your Life Across Time. 1995
Sheehy, Gail. Understanding Men’s Passages. 1999
Taken from Stewart & Associates: www.stewart-assoc.com
Weathering Change
Think about the stately oak that stands beside the barn
How many springs, how many falls
How many dark, cold winters?
Like the oak, we lose our leaves
Our health, our home, our job
People go, someone dies
It happens all too often.
Through raging storm, we feel the heat
Somehow resist the bitter cold
And like the oak, though broken limb
We find ourselves still standing.
For while a tree may lose it leaves
Trunk and bark and limbs remain
Unseen roots reach underground
Branches drink the sunlight.
Winter snows give way to spring
Summer green transforms
Some seasons call for tensile strength
New seasons bring new color.
~ Susan Reuling Furness
Resilient Families: Managing Transition and Change
Family stress researchers searched for characteristics of families resistant to the disruption of transition and change. In a national survey of 1,000 families and a national study of 360 families, family strengths were identified that appear to facilitate a family’s efforts to manage stressors and strains:
- Accord: Balanced interrelationship among family members that allows them to resolve conflicts and reduce chronic strain.
- Celebrations: Acknowledging birthdays, religious occasions, and other special events.
- Communication: Sharing beliefs and emotions with one another. Emphasis is on how family members exchange information and caring with each other.
- Financial Management: Sound decision-making skills for money management and satisfaction with economic status can contribute to family well-being.
- Hardness: A basic strength through which families find the capacity to cope. Emphasizes family members’ sense of control over their lives, commitment to the family, confidence that the family will survive no matter what, and the ability to grow, learn, and challenge each other.
- Health: The physical and psychological well-being of family members can reduce stress and preserve a healthy home atmosphere.
- Leisure Activities: Focuses on similarities and differences of family member preferences for ways to spend free time. Do family members prefer active or passive interests, social or personal activities?
- Personality: Involves acceptance of a partner’s traits, behaviors, general outlook, and dependability.
- Support : Emphasizes the positive aspects of relationships with in-laws, relatives, and friends.
- Time and Routines: Family meals, chores, togetherness, and other ordinary routines play an important role in creating continuity and stability in family life.
- Traditions: Honoring holidays and important family experiences carried through generations.
Resilient families “try new things, encourage others to be active in addressing their problems and concerns … are active, in control, and, when faced with difficulties, are also more caring, loyal and more tolerant of hardships.”
Resilient families “indicate that they have a major strength in their ability to change.” They “view themselves as being able to say what they want, as having input into major decisions, as being able to shape rules and practices in the family, as well as being able to compromise; they are experienced in shifting responsibilities in the family unit, and willing to experiment with new ways of dealing with problems and issues.”
Adapted from Transitions and Changes: Who Copes Well? by R..J. Fetsch