September 2009 Newsletter
September 1, 2009
Helping Children Cope With Divorce
by Randy Meenach
Many of my clients are children and adolescents. A large majority of them have had to deal with divorced parents, family disruption, new parental relationships and all the resulting issues and adjustments that entails. For some, the change is welcome and healing. However I often see the ones that are having problems with this scene, five year olds through young adults. The range of adjustment, resentments/anger, confusion and hurt can have a lifetime of impact on an individual and will affect relationships in all aspects of their life. For children, a divorce means their world is changing. They often feel they are losing their parents. They blame themselves, they withdraw.
I so often see children who are just expected to go through the divorce without help in understanding their own feelings, not being talked to by parents who want them to experience their joy at finding another partner, being forced to accept a “new family” when they don’t want any part in it, meeting expectations that are not their own, the list of adjustment hassles just goes on and on. Eventually when it gets bad enough, I see them in my office because the situation has gotten unmanageable at one or both homes, school or legal/behavioral problems ie, drugs, fights, attitudes, non compliance, etc. The plea from the family is usually…..Help. There are so many ways to avoid the above situation and it involves many things; empathy, communication, understanding and time.
Research has shown that the harmful effects on children can be lessened when parents just make a concerted effort to keep the best interests of their children as their first priority. That seems to be easier said than done when the new love pops up, the excitement of change and new faces cause parents to lose their focus on their kids, and they need them to experience with them, their new boyfriend/girlfriend. This is when the heels dig in, the resistance flares and things start to get even more complicated.
Here are a few suggestions…
- Maintain a stable routine
- Help children share and deal with their feelings
- Reassure children that the divorce is not their fault
- Practice positive discipline
- Keep both parents involved if possible
- Don’t put a child in the middle of your battles
- Allow your child to be a child
- Spend one on one time with your child
This list can be endless as you consider what you can do to lessen the negative effects on children during and after divorce. I have an upcoming free workshop in November called, “Dad’s new girlfriend, Mom’s new boyfriend. Helping children cope.”
Please come and share your experiences and get some ideas to help with a difficult situation that is very prevalent in our community and society today. It’s all about making people happier, healthier and harmonious. As in complimenting frequencies. Good music. Nice sounds.