October 2009 Newsletter
October 1, 2009
Advice To The Consummate Pleaser
By Susan Reuling Furness 9/19/09
Dear Ann Flanders:
People are always telling me what to do. It drives me crazy, but to avoid hurting their feelings, I do whatever they ask. I feel guilty when I tell people “no.” Please help me.
Signed: A Pleaser
Dear Pleaser,
Let me begin by acknowledging that as a consummate pleaser you make life much easier for everyone else. Other people will love you, at least for a while. Your mother and father probably praised you for being a “perfect little girl.” Or were you a “really good boy?” gs smooth, and never make waves. These people will not want you to read this letter.
But you want to read it because now you feel compromised. You have good ideas but no one ever seems to ask you about them. You don’t want to work on the weekend, but your boss just assumes you will. You feel overlooked, overworked, and under-appreciated. You believe they take advantage of you. They do.
Do you notice resentment simmering inside you? Even if you do, I imagine you don’t want to break “form” so you try to hide it. You probably continue being nice, non-confrontational, and oh-so-very-helpful. After all, when you always agree with your mate, your boss, your child, your neighbor, your friend, and the man on the street, there will never be an obvious disagreement. The only disagreement is the conflict going on inside you.
Secretly you feel angry, maybe even hateful. Covertly you think about a divorce, a new job, a new neighbor, a new child. Does resentment keep you awake at night? If you are like some, however, you keep on keepiń-on with your pleasing facade.
Did you notice that you have become a curious paradox – a smiling exterior poisoned by inner hostility – a Two-Sided You? One Side lies about how the Other Side feels. It is a bit dishonest, don’t you agree? It is dangerous too. Like a two-headed statue, this façade is destined to crack. Sooner or later, if you do not change your ways, you will become everything Not Pleasing.
This is when being nice turns into not so nice. Although you do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings, you will find a screaming meanie enters your soul. Other people will feel hurt. They will not understand your anger. They will blame you. The situation becomes everything you wanted to avoid.
It does not need to go on this way. I suggest you find an alternative now. You can learn to stand up for yourself. There are ways to be pleasant without being a doormat.
Speaking your mind is, after all, one of your most basic rights. An engraved monument at the Anne Frank Human Rights Memorial reminds me “Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression.” Unless I am mistaken, “everyone” includes you.
The diplomats who adopted the United Nations Declaration of Human Rights, require the same skills you need today. Can you imagine the state of the world if our diplomats agreed with the president of Iran so as not to hurt his feelings? If our leaders did not speak clearly, aggressive nations would invade our boundaries at will. Indeed a diplomat’s job, like yours, is to speak honestly without being disrespectful or boorish. Anyone who works toward peace understands that given the right tone and attitude, you can speak the truth without starting fights or offending. Ambassadors take lessons. Likewise, a few lessons in assertive language will bring out the diplomat in you while you protect your personal boundaries.
I know that being a pleaser worked when you were a kid. It kept the grown-ups off your case and awarded you Tootsie-Roll-Pops from doctors and dentists. But adult life requires more finesse. Day-to-day life is exponentially more complicated than it was when you were a child. It is time to learn new skills. You may want to borrow Assertiveness books from the library or ask your counselor to work with you on new ways to respond. I suspect you will find that once you learn to speak up, greater happiness will be close at hand.
Wishing you well,
Signed: Ann Flanders
P.S. Some of the counselors at Jefferson Street Counseling and Consulting offer groups to help you learn more about expressing yourself. For more information, call our office 385-0888.
Article 19: The Declaration Of Human Rights adopted by the General Assembly of the United Nations. December 10, 1948: http://www.un.org/en/documents/udhr
Here are some favorite Assertiveness books:
• Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships (9th Edition) by Robert E. Alberti and Michael L. Emmons
• The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships by Randy J. Paterson Ph.D
• Civilized Assertiveness for Women: Communication with Backbone…not Bite by Judith Selee McClure.
• When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith