February 2010 Newsletter
February 9, 2010
Hold Onto Yourself
Hold Onto Yourself is a simple idea with many meanings. Self-mastery and self-control involve learning about yourself, confronting yourself and shifting to self-validated
intimacy, and taking care of yourself (self-soothing). Learning to hold onto yourself nudges your personal development and your marriage forward, and fundamentally
changes how you and your partner interact. Holding onto yourself is a shorthand way of talking about differentiation. It involves several activities and processes:
- Maintaining a clear sense of who you are as you become increasingly intimate with a partner who is increasingly more important to you; knowing what you value and believe, and not defending a false or inaccurate self-picture.
- Maintaining a sense of perspective about your anxieties, limitations, and shortcomings so that they neither drive nor immobilize you.
- The willingness to engage in self-confrontation necessary for your growth. This includes standing up to your fears – taking the hits about yourself, your family of origin, your marriage, and your life; confronting your own selfishness, hatred, manipulation of others, sadism, withholding, and self-denigrations; and resisting your attempts to avoid yourself.
- Acknowledging your projections and distortions and admitting when you are wrong – whether or not your partner does likewise.
- Tolerating the pain involved in growing; mobilizing yourself toward the growth you value and aspire to; soothing your own hurts when necessary, without excessive self-indulgence; supporting rather than berating yourself.
Holding onto yourself – maintaining a relationship with yourself – is not easy. However, the benefits to you and your marriage are incalculable. Your ability to hold onto
yourself allows you to pull out of negative interactions and conduct yourself in ways that lead to positive ones. It lets you break the “set” of your communications – habitual
topics, patterns, intensity, and tone. Instead of matching your partner’s feelings and emotional tone when you’re locked in protracted arguments, bad feelings, or flaring
tempers, holding onto yourself allows you to break free of this form of emotional gridlock called “negative affect reciprocity.”
Holding onto yourself is a key ingredient in intimacy and sex. Intimacy involves self-confrontation and self-disclosure in the presence of your partner. When you don’t hold
onto yourself, intimacy always suffers. And holding onto yourself is vital if you want more sexual passion, novelty, and desire in your marriage.
David Schnarch, Ph.D.
Passionate Marriage (1997)