August 2010 Newsletter
July 29, 2010
Relationship Conflict: Damage Control
When small quarrels become ugly, abusive words tear at the very fabric of a love relationship.
John Gottman, author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, explains how arguments escalate and suggests strategies to avoid destroying your relationship. “Under duress, we tend to release excess amounts of adrenaline, which causes the heart to beat faster, the sweat glands to work overtime, and respiration to speed up. These physical symptoms feed the anxiety-provoking thoughts and emotions we are experiencing.” When you begin to argue, these physical reactions feed negative thoughts, which adds more stress and further increases your heart rate. This circular pattern can skyrocket an argument. In a short time, the pattern floods the body with adrenaline.
To understand how adrenaline flooding interferes with rational thought, think about how a parent reacts if a mad dog is chasing his/her child. In such a moment, adrenaline takes over so the parent reacts without deliberation. Similarly, if an argument is prolonged, one or both partners are at risk of becoming “flooded,” which generates impulsive responses. Gottman suggests a time-out when arguments escalate. This means disengaging from the fight so that partners can return to a more thoughtful mind-set. Gottman says “it takes most people close to twenty minutes for their physiological responses to return to baseline…” but the hotter the argument, the longer it takes. During the recess, he suggests soothing activities such as calling a friend, listening to music, reading a book, taking a bath, or working on a project.
Partners should practice positive self-talk during this time. Soothing yourself until you reach a moment of calmness and clear thinking should be your goal. Rehearsing your lines for the argument and reviewing strategies to “get back at” your partner only adds more stress, creating an environment of resentment and the risk of a relationship “cold war.” Helpful messages to use during a time-out include: “Take some deep breaths.” “Don’t take this personally.” “We’ve been here before and I know we can successfully get through this rough patch.” “Right now, I’m upset, but this is basically a good marriage.”
Anger breeds anger, which breeds even more anger. And “thrashing things out” with your partner seldom, if ever, works. From the research we learn that taking a time-out from anger not only improves relationships, it promotes mutual honor, respect and commitment in partners.
The Gottman Institute – John Gottman http://www.gottman.com/