September 2010 newsletter
September 1, 2010
I Can’t Decide Blues
“Make up your mind,” mother’s voice reverberates in my memory.
“But I can’t,” I replied. We were standing in the candy store in Ocean City. Fingerprints of the children who decided before me decorate the glass case, which is filled with chocolate creams, chocolate covered cherries, marzipan, taffy, toffee, and truffles.
Decision-making challenges us throughout our lives. We face decisions daily. Some seem relatively easy. Others are of greater consequence. Still in each case we have only two choices – to do nothing or to decide and then proceed.
When we sing the I Can’t Decide Blues, our discordant thoughts and feelings collide, creating stress and anxiety. Paralysis sets in and the hair pulling begins. “I’d love a rich chocolate cream, but what if it has a nasty center? I like taffy, but if I choose that I won’t get chocolate.” This is the beginning of the What If Blues. “What if I make the wrong decision? What if I regret my choice? What if other people don’t like my decision? What if I just sit here and hope that someone else makes the decision.” If we prolong our decision and agony, someone else is likely to make the call. “She can’t decide, so just give her one of those old hard candies at the back of the case.”
Maybe these pointers will help you in resolving dilemmas.
First – Get away from your problem. You will think more clearly outside your daily routine. For a big decision, spend a weekend alone. Pack your heart and a journal to help you get in touch with your feelings. Leave behind data, documents, and checklists.
Second – Use emotional intelligence to help with an important decision. This means paying attention to the song in your heart. Emotional intelligence does not involve knee-jerk reactions. It means, instead, observing your feelings (try checking for tightness in your stomach or chest) and using the information to make an informed decision. Tightness and heaviness typically mean the choice is threatening. A relaxed response or calmness foretells a better outcome. Follow your emotions as you envision yourself after a potential choice. Do you relax or grow tighter? Your body knows what choice will work for you.
Finally – Base your decision on what is best for you. When you ignore your needs, everyone loses. Sometimes we must make a sacrifice, but if you always choose for the benefit of the “other,” you’ll soon be singing The Resentment Blues.
Let’s assume you want to break an engagement, but decide to marry because you don’t want to hurt your fiancée’s feelings. You will soon sing I’ve Got a No-Good Woman while she sings My Man Don’t Love Me Nomore. The sacrifice for another person ruins the music for everyone. On the other hand, if you consider your need to find a more suitable partner, the unhappiness ends. You and your former fiancée can both sing to someone else in the future.
Making up your mind requires that you respect your right to sing good music throughout your life. If you need help with a decision, ask someone who also respects this right. Find a helper who will help you listen to your strongest wants and desires. But don’t wait forever, unless you have a taste for the blues and the hard candy at the back of the case.
Sue Reuling Furness 7/21/03