February 2012 Newsletter
January 30, 2012
The Happiest Life is the Meaningful Life
Are you happy?
Perhaps yes. Perhaps no. The answer to such a question is never so simple.
Think about different parts of your life. Maybe you are happy at work but not satisfied with your marriage. Or perhaps you are happy with your spouse, but most unhappy with your inlaws. If I ask, “Are you happy,” and you answer with a resounding “no”, I suspect you may overlook delightful parts of your life.
I might ask a few more questions. Is happiness what you want most in life? What is happiness anyway? How does it differ from contentment or satisfaction?
Existential philosophers tell us we need to find meaning in our lives. Does happiness come if we lead meaningful lives? What creates a meaningful life?
These are the existential questions . . . the same questions deep thinkers, philosophers, psychologists, religious leaders, (and teenagers) have posed forever. We have not found answers to these quintessential questions because there are no right answers. The answers are personal and idiosyncratic – they differ for every single person.
We need to talk specifics. Here’s an experiment to try with a friend, your counselor, or in a journal: “If we video-tape your happy life, what will we see?” Hopefully you begin to put words to how you want to live your life – some current realities and some of your dreams. Maybe you see yourself changing careers – training as a police officer or studying gourmet cooking. On the other hand, you may find meaning in raising your children, fostering homeless pets, or simply being a good neighbor. Maybe you want to serve your country in the National Guard or as a precinct chairperson. Whatever your answer, you are offering clues to your meaningful life. Again, I stress the point: there is no formula for meaning or happiness or contentment. The only certainty is this: The person who sees no meaning in their life always feels discontented.
Viktor Frankl, an Austrian psychologist, endured mental and physical torture as a prisoner at Auschwitz during World War II. He observes that people are drawn toward personal growth – learning new things, improving and simply “doing better.” (If you know someone who is not, that person is profoundly discouraged.) Because we are programmed to grow psychologically as well as physically, people often question if there is more in life? More to do . . . more to learn? In other words, we ask what Peggy Lee sang about in 1969, “Is That All There Is?” In response to this question, Frankl stresses that meaning can be found in every moment of living. Even in suffering as extreme as a concentration camp, even in death we can find meaning.
Through his own horrendous experiences, Frankl came to understand that regardless of what is happening, we always have the right to decide how we will react. Although no one would ever suggest that being imprisoned by the enemy is a happy situation, nor that keeping one’s attitude was easy, Frankl insists we are free to choose . . . free to find meaning . . . be it bitter, resigned, hopeful, or something else.
Years after the War, I heard Viktor Frankl speak to an appreciative crowd in Anaheim, Ca. His key point was this: If we are chasing happiness, we may drive it away. Happiness and contentment come through the backdoor when we stop worrying about being happy and seek a meaningful life instead. Contentment happens when make something meaningful out of whatever is happening . . . when we are true to ourselves, when are kind to others, when we go after our own dreams, and when we make the most out of whatever we are given.
(The latest printing of Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning (2006) is available through Amazon.com and bookstores.)
May 2011 Newsletter
May 1, 2011
Is It Possible to Create S-P-A-C-E for Oneself in Relationships?
August 2, 2010
By Cheryle Jones Andrews
In his presentation, “The Essential Humility of Marriage,” Terry D. Hargrave, PhD, author of a book by the same name, defines marriage as “a separate entity…a living, breathing relationship that is as real as the two individuals that form the bond.” This separate relationship paradoxically contains the individuals while simultaneously nurturing each person’s unique needs and those created by the union. Read more
September 2010 newsletter
September 1, 2010
I Can’t Decide Blues
“Make up your mind,” mother’s voice reverberates in my memory.
“But I can’t,” I replied. We were standing in the candy store in Ocean City. Fingerprints of the children who decided before me decorate the glass case, which is filled with chocolate creams, chocolate covered cherries, marzipan, taffy, toffee, and truffles.
Decision-making challenges us throughout our lives. We face decisions daily. Some seem relatively easy. Others are of greater consequence. Still in each case we have only two choices – to do nothing or to decide and then proceed.
When we sing the I Can’t Decide Blues, Read more
August 2010 Newsletter
July 29, 2010
Relationship Conflict: Damage Control
When small quarrels become ugly, abusive words tear at the very fabric of a love relationship.
John Gottman, author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, explains how arguments escalate and suggests strategies to avoid destroying your relationship. “Under duress, we tend to release excess amounts of adrenaline, which causes the heart to beat faster, the sweat glands to work overtime, and respiration to speed up. Read more
June 2010 Newsletter
June 1, 2010
What’s The Big Deal About Meditation?
~ Susan Reuling Furness
Overheard at the gym last week: “What’s the big deal about meditation? You won’t catch me doing it – meditation is for yogis in Nepal.”
I wanted to correct the man’s misperception about meditation, but since I was more or less eavesdropping on his conversation, I decided to write this article instead.
Meditation is not for everyone. Read more
April 2010 Newsletter
April 5, 2010
Relax, Refresh and Renew in an Instant
~ Cheryle Jones Andrews
Sounds like an oxymoron, right? Perhaps, but don’t overlook the fact that our bodies are exquisitely designed to strive for health and healing — if we
pay attention to them. Developing a practice of mindfulness, paying attention to what is happening to you from moment to moment, will promote your physical, mental, and spiritual healing and health. The reflective practice of mindfulness integrates the brain and results in:
Bodily regulation, Attuned communication, Emotional balance, Read more