September 2010 newsletter
September 1, 2010
I Can’t Decide Blues
“Make up your mind,” mother’s voice reverberates in my memory.
“But I can’t,” I replied. We were standing in the candy store in Ocean City. Fingerprints of the children who decided before me decorate the glass case, which is filled with chocolate creams, chocolate covered cherries, marzipan, taffy, toffee, and truffles.
Decision-making challenges us throughout our lives. We face decisions daily. Some seem relatively easy. Others are of greater consequence. Still in each case we have only two choices – to do nothing or to decide and then proceed.
When we sing the I Can’t Decide Blues, our discordant thoughts and feelings collide, creating stress and anxiety. Paralysis sets in and the hair pulling begins. “I’d love a rich chocolate cream, but what if it has a nasty center? I like taffy, but if I choose that I won’t get chocolate.” This is the beginning of the What If Blues. “What if I make the wrong decision? What if I regret my choice? What if other people don’t like my decision? What if I just sit here and hope that someone else makes the decision.” If we prolong our decision and agony, someone else is likely to make the call. “She can’t decide, so just give her one of those old hard candies at the back of the case.”
Maybe these pointers will help you in resolving dilemmas.
First – Get away from your problem. You will think more clearly outside your daily routine. For a big decision, spend a weekend alone. Pack your heart and a journal to help you get in touch with your feelings. Leave behind data, documents, and checklists.
Second – Use emotional intelligence to help with an important decision. This means paying attention to the song in your heart. Emotional intelligence does not involve knee-jerk reactions. It means, instead, observing your feelings (try checking for tightness in your stomach or chest) and using the information to make an informed decision. Tightness and heaviness typically mean the choice is threatening. A relaxed response or calmness foretells a better outcome. Follow your emotions as you envision yourself after a potential choice. Do you relax or grow tighter? Your body knows what choice will work for you.
Finally – Base your decision on what is best for you. When you ignore your needs, everyone loses. Sometimes we must make a sacrifice, but if you always choose for the benefit of the “other,” you’ll soon be singing The Resentment Blues.
Let’s assume you want to break an engagement, but decide to marry because you don’t want to hurt your fiancée’s feelings. You will soon sing I’ve Got a No-Good Woman while she sings My Man Don’t Love Me Nomore. The sacrifice for another person ruins the music for everyone. On the other hand, if you consider your need to find a more suitable partner, the unhappiness ends. You and your former fiancée can both sing to someone else in the future.
Making up your mind requires that you respect your right to sing good music throughout your life. If you need help with a decision, ask someone who also respects this right. Find a helper who will help you listen to your strongest wants and desires. But don’t wait forever, unless you have a taste for the blues and the hard candy at the back of the case.
Sue Reuling Furness 7/21/03
August 2010 Newsletter
July 29, 2010
Relationship Conflict: Damage Control
When small quarrels become ugly, abusive words tear at the very fabric of a love relationship.
John Gottman, author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, explains how arguments escalate and suggests strategies to avoid destroying your relationship. “Under duress, we tend to release excess amounts of adrenaline, which causes the heart to beat faster, the sweat glands to work overtime, and respiration to speed up. Read more
July 2010 Newsletter
June 30, 2010
Book Review
by Lorn Adkins
Everyone knows that the key to a healthy, happy relationship, especially for couples, is communication. As marriage and family therapists we often guide couples through a process. We may even spend time with couples on “how” to talk with one another. But what do couples need to be talking about? In her new book Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, Dr Sue Johnson outlines a communication approach for building successful relationships. Read more
June 2010 Newsletter
June 1, 2010
What’s The Big Deal About Meditation?
~ Susan Reuling Furness
Overheard at the gym last week: “What’s the big deal about meditation? You won’t catch me doing it – meditation is for yogis in Nepal.”
I wanted to correct the man’s misperception about meditation, but since I was more or less eavesdropping on his conversation, I decided to write this article instead.
Meditation is not for everyone. Read more
May 2010 Newsletter
April 29, 2010
Using Exercise to Supplement ADHD Treatment
By Stephen H. Hill, Ph.D.
I enjoyed presenting at last week’s Idaho PTA Conference and was excited to highlight new research on exercise and ADHD. The presentation titled “Recognizing and Conquering ADHD” reviewed two studies in particular, both of which suggest that exercise generally, as well as organized sports activities specifically, may complement an array of tools for treating ADHD. Even those taking a stimulant medication may find significant improvement Read more
April 2010 Newsletter
April 5, 2010
Relax, Refresh and Renew in an Instant
~ Cheryle Jones Andrews
Sounds like an oxymoron, right? Perhaps, but don’t overlook the fact that our bodies are exquisitely designed to strive for health and healing — if we
pay attention to them. Developing a practice of mindfulness, paying attention to what is happening to you from moment to moment, will promote your physical, mental, and spiritual healing and health. The reflective practice of mindfulness integrates the brain and results in:
Bodily regulation, Attuned communication, Emotional balance, Fear regulation and extinction, Flexibility in thinking and response, Insight into self, Empathy for others, Morality — we are part of a larger whole, and Intuition access. Mindfulness need not be an ordeal. Rather mindfulness becomes a way of being in the world.
10 Simple Ways You Can Practice Mindfulness — Relax, Refresh and Renew in an Instant:
1. As you awaken in the morning, bring your attention to your
breathing. Instead of letting your mind spin off into yesterday or today,
take mindful breaths. Focus on your breathing, and sense the effects of
breathing throughout your body.
2. Instead of hurrying to your usual routine, slow down and enjoy
something special about the morning: a flower that bloomed, the sound of
birds, the wind in the trees.
3. On your way to work or school, pay attention to how you walk or
drive or ride the transit. Take some deep breaths, relaxing throughout your
body.
4. When stopped at a red light, pay attention to your breathing and
enjoy the landscape around you.
5. When you arrive at your destination, take a few moments to orient
yourself; breathe consciously and calmly, relax your body, then begin.
6. When sitting at your desk or keyboard, become aware of the subtle
signs of physical tension and take a break to stretch or walk around.
7. Use the repetitive events of the day — the ringing telephone, a knock
on the door, walking down the hall — as cues for a mini-relaxation.
8. Walk mindfully to your car or bus. Can you see and appreciate
something new in the environment? Can you enjoy walking without rushing?
9. As you return home, consciously make the transition into your home
environment. If possible, after greeting your family or housemates, give
yourself a few minutes alone to ease the transition.
10. As you go to sleep, let go of today and tomorrow, and take some
slow, mindful breaths.
To learn more about mindfulness, check out the book “Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation” by Daniel J. Siegel.
March 2010 Newsletter
February 23, 2010
I recently acquired Raising Our Children to Be Resilient, by Linda Goldman. This book is purposefully directed towards helping children cope with the violent and increasingly troubled world they encounter every day. TV, video games, the news, movies, terrorism images and security checks, fear, insecurity, separation, family instability, the list goes on and on Read more
February 2010 Newsletter
February 9, 2010
Hold Onto Yourself
Hold Onto Yourself is a simple idea with many meanings. Self-mastery and self-control involve learning about yourself, confronting yourself and shifting to self-validated
intimacy, and taking care of yourself (self-soothing). Read more
January 2010 Newsletter
January 12, 2010
Jefferson Street Counseling & Consulting has a variety of non-traditional, more experiential therapy models available. Check out some of the descriptions that follow:
Read more
December 2009 Newsletter
November 24, 2009
Book Review
by Cheryle Jones Andrews
Living Like You Mean It: Use the Wisdom and Power of Your Emotions to Get the Life You Really Want, by Ronald J. Frederick, Ph.D.
“How do you feel about that?” the therapist asked.
“I don’t know,” replied the client.
Read more