Are you happy?

Perhaps yes. Perhaps no. The answer to such a question is never so simple.

Think about different parts of your life. Maybe you are happy at work but not satisfied with your marriage. Or perhaps you are happy with your spouse, but most unhappy with your inlaws. If I ask, “Are you happy,” and you answer with a resounding “no”, I suspect you may overlook delightful parts of your life.

I might ask a few more questions. Is happiness what you want most in life? What is happiness anyway? How does it differ from contentment or satisfaction?

Existential philosophers tell us we need to find meaning in our lives. Does happiness come if we lead meaningful lives?       What creates a meaningful life?

These are the existential questions . . . the same questions deep thinkers, philosophers, psychologists, religious leaders, (and teenagers) have posed forever. We have not found answers to these quintessential questions because there are no right answers. The answers are personal and idiosyncratic – they differ for every single person.

We need to talk specifics. Here’s an experiment to try with a friend, your counselor, or in a journal: “If we video-tape your happy life, what will we see?” Hopefully you begin to put words to how you want to live your life – some current realities and some of your dreams.  Maybe you see yourself changing careers – training as a police officer or studying gourmet cooking. On the other hand, you may find meaning in raising your children, fostering homeless pets, or simply being a good neighbor. Maybe you want to serve your country in the National Guard or as a precinct chairperson. Whatever your answer, you are offering clues to your meaningful life. Again, I stress the point: there is no formula for meaning or happiness or contentment. The only certainty is this: The person who sees no meaning in their life always feels discontented.

Viktor Frankl, an Austrian psychologist, endured mental and physical torture as a prisoner at Auschwitz during World War II. He observes that people are drawn toward personal growth – learning new things, improving and simply “doing better.” (If you know someone who is not, that person is profoundly discouraged.) Because we are programmed to grow psychologically as well as physically, people often question if there is more in life? More to do . . . more to learn? In other words, we ask what Peggy Lee sang about in 1969, “Is That All There Is?” In response to this question, Frankl stresses that meaning can be found in every moment of living. Even in suffering as extreme as a concentration camp, even in death we can find meaning.

Through his own horrendous experiences, Frankl came to understand that regardless of what is happening, we always have the right to decide how we will react. Although no one would ever suggest that being imprisoned by the enemy is a happy situation, nor that keeping one’s attitude was easy, Frankl insists we are free to choose . . . free to find meaning . . . be it bitter, resigned, hopeful, or something else.

Years after the War, I heard Viktor Frankl speak to an appreciative crowd in Anaheim, Ca. His key point was this: If we are chasing happiness, we may drive it away. Happiness and contentment come through the backdoor when we stop worrying about being happy and seek a meaningful life instead. Contentment happens when make something meaningful out of whatever is happening . . . when we are true to ourselves, when are kind to others, when we go after our own dreams, and when we make the most out of whatever we are given.

(The latest printing of Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning (2006) is available through Amazon.com and bookstores.)

Take the case of our therapy partner in EAP (Equine Assisted Psychotherapy). She is an eight month old miniature horse, but comes fully equipped with all the intution and reflective insight to be a perfect mirror in the arena. Already in the arena she has been described as “bratty,” “sweet,” “patient,” “petulant,” “ornary,” “curious,” “caring,” “connecting,” “loving,” “standoffish,” “shy,” “funny,” and “uncaring.” In other words, she has been a powerful reflection of what the two-legged folks project or perceive in this horse and in people and reality.

Other EAP Notes

(As reported by Lynn Thomas in EAGALA in Practice Magazine, Vol. 4 No. 1)

Much of the difference in understanding as to how horses can actually help people put their finger on how they are feeling is related to the fact that horses do not respond to people in the same way that people do. Horses are said to be much more intuitive to human defense mechanisms, and are not easily bluffed. Where another person may not recognize the projection of a troubled other, the horse will indeed have a response that is reflective of the very emotion from which the person is trying to defend….

For example… A person who projects his anger onto the horse, proclaiming that the horse is actually the angry one, will not necessarily produce an angry horse. Rather, the horse will respond to the person’s hidden anger by attempting to bring it to the surface. This can be done in several ways. The horse may “haze” the client, circling around him in progressively smaller circles in an attempt to dominate space. The horse may also repeatedly move into the person’s space, nuding him/her out of the way.

By using his/her body, the horse essentially places the person in a position where anger would be a healthy response. This is all done to draw the anger to the surface, out of the unconscious, thereby making the person “readable” to the horse, and a viable herd member. In order to understand this, it is important to remember that herd animals relate predominantly through physiological responses, and [these] unconscious drives, emotions, and motives have physiological traces.

For horses, hidden emotions are like hidden physiological responses, making communication, and the establishment of the horses’s safety, through a congruent and connected herd, impossible. So in order to preserve his/her own safety then, the horse must make the person, his/her current herd member, more congruent, through evoking [the person’s] hidden unconscious material. For while people can operate with closeted emotion, horses cannot, and, therefore, identifying any emotion that is covert and responding to it is an automatic process for the horse.




We are blessed with the neurological wiring to experience feelings that will guide us to make healthy choices in life’s circumstances. Pia Mellody, author of Facing Codependence, identifies very specific benefits or gifts that result when we attend to our feelings and use them to forge our lives. Too often we avoid or stuff feelings and end up feeling paralyzed on our life journeys.

The problem for most folks struggling with depression or anxiety is that the ability to tolerate a wide range of feelings has become limited, in part because adult caregivers in their lives did not model or perhaps even know how to handle their own feelings. Such parents did not know how to encourage and support their children to feel and to learn the language of feelings. Ultimately they limited their children’s ability to experience the richness of life. So, Step 1 is to simply notice and acknowledge feelings, basically notice the physical sensations.

Acceptance, Step 2, is to remember that all feelings have purpose and to accept that feelings are just a part of life. Acceptance does mean withholding judgment and not dismissing them as good or bad—it simply means to take an attitude of curiosity about why these feelings are occurring at this time.

Acceptance then makes room for Step 3: Act. We are empowered to choose how we want to act on our feelings through acceptance of them. The choice may be anything from doing something to doing nothing. Consider the feeling anger, a feeling that leaves many squeamish. However, anger can be on a continuum from mild irritation to rage. If we can acknowledge anger and the sensations we experience in our bodies, if we can accept that it’s OK to feel anger, then we can act on the reasons for feeling anger that curiosity reveals.

Mellody identifies energy, strength and assertiveness as the gifts of anger. Whether we choose to state our anger and our wants or we re-evaluate the thinking behind our anger and let it go or we simply explore it further, we are acting on our feelings. Only through acknowledgement and acceptance of our feelings can we be intentional about acting on our own behalf.

When we ignore our feelings, they burrow into our being, like worms into our computers. They don’t go away but cause undue stress that complicates our health, relationships and lives. Not only is it OK to feel our feelings, it’s the healthy, proactive thing to do. AAA takes practice and patience with ourselves, but it works!

“Lord, help me accept the truth about myself no matter how good it is.”
Self-compassion involves feeling forgiveness or softening toward ourselves and a decrease in the usual judgmental or critical attitude we take toward ourselves.
There is scientific evidence that self-compassion is good for you:
A study by Pargament passion:

• Is there any area in which you are critical or non-accepting of yourself?
• What do you think is your most unacceptable aspect or part of your body?
• What is one step you could take toward valuing or at least moving towards accepting that aspect?
• If that trait or aspect were one of your best friend’s, how would you assure them it is okay?
• How have you softened or become more accepting of yourself in the past?
• Can you use any of that right now to help you become more self-compassionate?

Bumper Sticker: I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

25 Appreciations Before Breakfast: A Gratitude Exercise 

Each morning, after waking up and before breakfast, note to yourself at least 25 things for which you are grateful. Now, this may seem daunting, but once you get into the habit and find the right frame of mind, it may become easier.

Here are some examples of things you could note and appreciate:
That I have hot and cold running water
That I have a roof over my head
That I have clean clothes
That I have a pillow and a bed
That there is food in my house to eat
That I don’t have to dodge bullets to go about my daily activities
That I have friends
That I am alive
That I have screens and covered windows to keep out bugs and dangerous animals
That I have shoes
That when I flip a switch, lights come on
That I know what day it is and where I am

Experiment to discover what works best for you; writing down the appreciations, saying them out loud to your spouse, a family member, writing them on a piece of paper, silently noting them to yourself, etc.

Try this activity for a week and notice what has shifted for you, if anything. Then decide whether you would like to continue this habit or not.

You might also experiment with the frequency, trying it once a week, on the first of the month, yearly, etc. to discover what is best for you.

Bill O’Hanlon, Bill@billohanlon.com, http://www.billohanlon.com

So, I am reading the top ten list of ways to reduce family stress on vacation (not that I am planning a vacation, but this is the season) and the list, not only would not reduce my stress; but would send me into sleepless nights of anticipatory worry. Why do family vacations, even the planning of them, create stress? I often hear in my office,

Let’s just bag the whole thing. But wait. Research still says that vacations:
promote creativity
prevent burnout
create wellbeing and improve mental health
strengthen family bonds
improve job performance and
(wait for it.)
Vacations relieve negative stress in ways that seem to last over time.

Okay, maybe then I, like many people, need to readjust my expectations.

What were things on that list that seemed to send me into orbit?

Number one, was financially plan your budget over a year or more. Now it is July and there is no budget and no time to plan and I’ve failed.

Number two, was prepare an agenda and a daily schedule. Isn’t that the very thing I am trying to leave while on vacation?

After number three, I stopped reading and decided to make my own “Top Three Ways to Reduce Stress on Family Vacations.”

Number One: Relax
Remember this is a vacation. Relaxing before, during, and after is the whole point.

Number Two: Be Flexible.
Don’t you hate the expression, “Go with the flow?” And yet what is our other choice. I like the expression, “It’s all good.” And if you are not doing the normal or usual; It Is All Good.

And Number Three: Love the people you’re with.
Really, that’s it. Vacations are about enjoying, loving, and being with the people you love wherever vacations might take you. I heartily endorse vacations and my Top Three. As for their number three? Ask me after your Fun-filled Griswald Family Vacation!

Any time there is a transition, there will be stress involved. Knowing this can help you to better prepare. Working through the transition can be made easier by providing ourselves with the knowledge that we will be in an adaptive stage. Recognize that everyone will be somewhat confused at the beginning of the transition – expect to have some anxiety until everyone has adapted. Set long term goals for summer plans, as well as short term daily goals. Most young children do best with a routine. Having a set schedule of daily chores as well as activities will help young children (up to age 10) adapt better to the summer schedule. Older children should be given more freedom, but should still have established boundaries within which they operate (chores as well as check in times). Children returning from college will have a hard time getting used to new rules, as many have been operating without parental input on their day to day activities during the school year. Establishing rules and boundaries that make sense for the parents as well as respecting the returning college student’s autonomy will go far in providing a conflict free summer.

A great habit to establish over the summer is the family meeting. Set aside a time each week to check in with one another. This is a time to plan activities for the week, divide chores, and talk about issues or concerns. Everyone does the family meeting a little bit differently, but knowing that there is a time where everyone will be together to talk things out is a proactive way to alleviate problems.

Summer is a time to get to know one another. Family bonding is especially important during vacation times, as people will find it easier to connect. Make sure to plan fun family activities such as outdoor games of kickball or croquet; as well as indoor games of charades or board games. Playing together is one of the most important things we can do with our children. It is a way to bond, exercise, and work towards common goals all within the backdrop of having fun.

Our experience with the world is defined first within our families. How we learn to relate to others is developed within the context of how we form relationships within our families. Providing an environment of consistency, problem solving and fun are some of the fundamental pieces of a family.

As Leon Seltzer, Ph.D, said in his Psychology Today article “When we bond well with our parents, we’re able to feel connected, comforted and secure about our place in the family. In such cases our home is truly our sanctuary–a place to which we can regularly return (or retreat) to get the reassurance and succor that we all need as children.

Published on December 7, 2008 by Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. in Evolution of the Self

• others’ opinions and feelings seem more important than our own.
• we hesitate to express our own opinions and feelings.
• we seem to be our own worst critic.
• we blame our partners for our unhappiness.
• we struggle to trust our own thoughts and feelings, and are unable to get close to and trust others.

The effects of such behaviors can create havoc and insecurity in our adult relationships and undermine the potential for growing our relationship.  The paradox is that individuals who adhere to the belief that a partnership only survives if they sacrifice their individuality find themselves without a sense of what made them uniquely lovable and valuable to the relationship in the first place.  Ultimately both the partnership and individuals suffer.
To read Terry Hargraves’ speech go to:  http://www.cmfce.com/hargrave.html
First printed in Idaho Women’s Journal August 2010

Ann can’t sleep. She is excited about her trip to Miami next Friday, but worry has Ann in its clutches. What if I oversleep? What if I cannot find a cab at 5 a.m.? What if I miss my plane and the wedding, and ruin the day for Jill and Mother?

What if what if what if…

Why do we worry? In truth, worry is related to the survival instinct. Wired to seek safe physical and emotional harbor, we review difficult situations to help keep us from danger (i.e. trouble.) However, seeking solutions to a “workable” problem is different from ruminating, obsessive worry. This worry tends to rework and rework and rework the same problem(s.) It seldom solves anything.

Productive problem-solving turns into nonproductive worry when we fail to move toward solution. The man or woman who lives with a worry cloud is one who fails to choose a course of action. Like a rodent on a hamster wheel, worry continues to spin. The habit is damaging to our brains as well as our emotional well-being.

Sometimes we worry about the mistakes of yesterday, even though we cannot change the past. Rather than obsess, non-worriers use yesterday’s mistakes to build an acceptable today and tomorrow. Doing something productive helps stop the ruminating brain.

What about worries for the future? As Ann slips into worry-mode, she creates a nasty, doom-and-gloom fantasy. This game of make-believe begets more and more worry. Unbeknownst to Ann, she is paving a short-cut to future worthless worry. Just as trampling feet wear a path in the forest, ruminating wears an accessible worry-path in our brains. Ann’s mind and yours will easily follow the road-most-travelled, the worry road, out of neurological habit.

Besides the psychological and emotional distress of a worry habit, most worriers develop self-destructive ways of coping. In an attempt to outsmart the stress and anxiety of a worried mind, we may eat too much, drink too much, smoke tobacco, and develop sleep problems. Headaches, body aches, and depression often accompany the chronic worry-habit too. Ann needs to learn how to manage worry rather than have it manage her. She decides to follow a seven-step plan, suggested in Dr. Marty Rossman’s book, The Worry Solution: Using Breakthrough Brain Science to Turn Stress and Anxiety Into Confidence and Happiness. Here are the steps.

Ask “If I were in charge (of the problem) what would happen?” The answer is easy: She would wake up on time, the cab would arrive on time and she would arrive on time for the wedding.
Ask “How will I accomplish this?” Unless your answer to #1 is an impossible dream, use your imagination to write down all (even the craziest) of ways to reach a good ending. Ann lists these: pack the day before the trip, set 2 alarms, ask a friend to call, reserve a cab the night before, confirm the cab reservation in the morning, ask a friend to drive her to the airport, go to bed early, don’t go to bed at all, spend the night at the airport, etc. etc.
Decide the best way. Eliminate the impossible ideas from the brainstorm in Step 2. Choose the best idea(s). Ann decides to pack the day ahead, make a cab reservation, set 2 alarms, and go to bed early.
Write it. “I am doing (the solution above.)” Visualize yourself doing what you chose in Step 3. Ann is tempted to skip this step, but as she writes a few sentences, she realizes she will never be packed ahead of time. She returns to Step 3 to make a better choice for herself. She will ask her friend to call her in case she stays up late and, therefore, might oversleep.
Write a detailed plan for taking action. Yes, a detailed plan. By doing this, Ann is programming her brain for the morning of her trip. This helps her mind avoid the worry pathway.
Close your eyes and visualize yourself doing the detailed plan. This furthers Ann’s recovery from the worry-habit. She gives her brain a successful visual image instead.
Imagine and write about success. Repeat steps 6 & 7 as many times as needed. Ann writes, “ I arrive for my flight and the wedding on time. The wedding is fun and a great family celebration. Jill looks happy; mother is in good spirits. I am relaxed and happy too.” Step 7 allows Ann to enjoy a positive and realistic fantasy. She feels confident.

You may not need all of the steps for minor worries, although any troubling worry, deserves your solution-focused attention. Be certain to use all seven steps for complex and persistent worries. Do yourself a favor, get out your paper and pen; work with Marty Rossman’s steps to end the doom-and-gloom. Start building successful, positive fantasies.

by Susan Reuling Furness

“Lord, help me accept the truth about myself no matter how good it is.”

Self-compassion involves feeling forgiveness or softening toward ourselves and a decrease in the usual judgmental or critical attitude we take toward ourselves.

There is scientific evidence that self-compassion is good for you:
A study by Pargament found that people who are unable to forgive themselves or others also have an increased incidence of depression and callousness toward others. (Pargament, K.L., et al. Journal of Scientific Study of Religion, 1998; 37:710-724)

Here are some questions to consider regarding Self-Compassion:
Is there any area in which you are critical or non-accepting of yourself?
What do you think is your most unacceptable aspect or part of your body?
What is one step you could take toward valuing or at least moving towards accepting that aspect?
If that trait or aspect were one of your best friend’s, how would you assure them it is okay?
How have you softened or become more accepting of yourself in the past?
Can you use any of that right now to help you become more self-compassionate?

Bumper Sticker:
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.